A Broken Hallelujah
by EasternSunflower
Summary: "Maybe I was the one who couldn't live without him. Love truly was just a cold and broken hallelujah. A broken hallelujah." MXM; For Matt and Mello's Death Day.


**Author's Note= So… this is late… quite late. But better late than never ^^"**

**Song= Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley.**

Mello's POV

* * *

The only sounds in the apartment were that of hardcore techno and machine guns coming out of headphones a certain redhead wore. It was gently masked by a soft song known to the world as Hallelujah.

I watched Matt carefully; he was seated on the floor in front of the couch I was sitting on.

He wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary, but I felt like something was out of place.

Maybe it was something in the air, or the way the sounds in the room contrasted each other. Whatever it was, it changed to feel of the atmosphere; and I didn't like it.

~  
_Well, I heard there was a secret chord,_  
_That David played and it pleased the lord,_  
_But you don't really care for music, do ya'?_

"Matt?" I broke the eerie trance that seemed to have settled on the room.

The hacker didn't respond and continued to shoot people down in whatever game he was playing. His orange-lensed goggles creating the perfect cover; disallowing the world to see him, but allowing him to watch the world unnoticed.

"Matty?" I whispered, leaning towards said redhead.

"You okay, Mels?" he paused his game and twisted around to look at me.

I reached out towards his goggles and he pulled away,

I recoiled as though I'd been burned; and emotionally, it felt as though I had.

"It's nothing." I spoke quickly, turning my head away from him and leaning back.

I found a spot on the coffee table that looked like it wouldn't mind being stared at.

Matt pulled my hand back to his goggles.

"You just surprised me is all." He shrugged non-chalantly.

I didn't buy any of it.

~  
_Well it goes like this,_  
_The fourth, the fifth,_  
_The minor fall, and the major lift,_  
_The baffled king composes hallelujah._

My fingers lingered on his goggles, gently tracing the outline of it, touching the places where it met skin. Occasionally, my fingers would graze Matt's skin, leaving small trails of fire on his cheek bones, nose, temples and forehead.

Then I pulled away.

Matt didn't move for a long time. He just sat there. I couldn't tell if he was looking at me or if his eyes were closed.

But I got the feeling that he was watching my eyes. The feeling wasn't bad, but it wasn't pleasant either. It felt as though Matt was trying to read my soul, but in the process he was ripping it to shreds. But somehow, I didn't care. In the back of my mind a small voice, a child's voice, was telling me that it was because if anyone was going to tear me apart, I wanted it to be Matt.

Although I was hesitant to agree with it, I couldn't find a part of me that disagreed.

~  
_Hallelujah,_  
_Hallelujah,_  
_Hallelujah,_  
_Hallelujah._

I was still sitting on the couch long after Matt had announced he was going to bed. I had to be at least four in the morning. I got up and checked the date and time on the fridge. It was 4:39 am on Saturday the twenty-second of January.

I decided that some sleep wouldn't hurt.

As I travelled down the hall I considered my options concerning a certain case.

I needed to make a swift action that would create a swift end to Kira. But I realized that it would probably bring a swift end to me as well. That wouldn't have bothered me if I didn't fully grasp what I'd be leaving behind.

But I did. And I knew that although I might move on someday, whether it be in life or in death, Matt never would.

I'd decide the rest tomorrow, for now I'd do something that I hadn't even considered for a very long time.

Seek out Matt's comfort, and maybe something more.

~  
_While your faith was strong but you needed proof,_  
_You saw her bathing on the roof,_  
_Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you._

Matt's door opened with barely a creak but it was enough to wake him immediately.

"Mello?" he slurred quietly.

"Matty." I said just as quietly, only far more clearly.

"Is there something that you need, Mel?" he was sitting up in bed now.

The bed side lamp was on illuminating his drowsy green eyes and casting shadows over his bare torso.

I stepped in gently, closing his door behind; a little insecure wearing my baggy black sweatpants and black T-shirt.

"Yeah..." I blushed quietly, not sure how to ask after all this time.

"Welcome." Matt had a small smile on his lips as he patted the bed beside him.

As I walked forwards I noted the child-like joy in his features.

The redhead looked so young, and the closer I got, the more childish he appeared. From closer up, I could see the slight roundness in his face and his soft, bitten lips. Since he was a child, he'd always had the habit of killing his lips with his teeth.

Pushing that aside, I got into the indicated spot on the bed as Matt reached over to turn out the bed side lamp.

In contrast to his face, Matt's body wasn't childish. Somehow, he'd gotten lean muscles that moved under his unmarked pale skin in the gentle glow of the lamp before it was put to rest as well. Matt was something, and it was special.

~  
_She tied you to her kitchen chair,_  
_She broke your throne and she cut your hair,_  
_And from your lips she drew a hallelujah._

"Matt!" I hissed at the redhead; he was trying to poke me.

"Yes, Mello?" he wasn't even trying to act innocent, so I knew he wasn't just playing games.

Turning over, I faced Matt and braved his two glowing green orbs.

Even in the dark, I could see Matt bite his lip; the nervousness of the gesture confirmed by the uncertainty in his eyes.

"Mello..." he began with the same uncertainty that shadowed his eyes, "Are you a virgin?"

A small part of me had expected, and even welcomed the question.

"What do you consider a virgin, Matt?" I kept my eyes locked on his, and he did the same.

"Have you ever been kissed?"

"Yes, when I was seven you stole my first kiss, remember?" I grinned.

Matt pouted, obviously remembering when a six year old Matt had decided that I'd needed cheering up. It would have worked out fine; had Roger not walked in at that moment and scared poor Matt shitless.

"That doesn't count." he held my gaze once I'd returned from the memory.

"Yes. You?" I replied quietly.

"No." Matt's voice was a whisper, and pressing my forehead to his, I could tell that his face had heated up.

"Have you ever received oral?" Matt quickly changed the subject.

"Yes." I narrowed my eyes at Matt, noting that way he'd worded his questions. "Have you ever _given_ oral?"

"Yeah." Matt broke eye contact.

~  
_Hallelujah,_  
_Hallelujah,_  
_Hallelujah,_  
_Hallelujah._

"Matty, look at me," I held his face gently and his eyes cautiously went to mine. "It's okay."

I could tell that nothing more needed to be said.

So I gently pulled him towards me and pressed my lips to his.

~  
_Well baby I've been here before,_  
_I've seen this room and I've walked this floor,_  
_You know, I used to live alone before I knew ya'._

He pulled away from my lips, but not from me completely.

I looked at him, and he watched me with a small suspicion.

"Don't you want me to take away all your beloved innocence?" I smirked at him.

"Okay..." Looking into Matt's eyes, I sensed that he wasn't ready for it.

"When you're ready, let me know, Matty." I gently rubbed my nose against the redhead's comfortingly.

"Thank you, Mello." Matt's eyes closed and we fell into silence.

It had been a really long time since I'd felt so at east. It felt ironic, but it felt good that I'd been awarded this moment of peace after all I'd been through in my life. I wondered if Matt felt the same way.

I doubted his did, after all, Matt hadn't a clue what was coming our way.

And I wanted it to stay that way.

~  
_And I've seen your flag on the marble arch,_  
_And love is not a victory march,_  
_It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah._

It was Sunday now, and I watched Matt try to cook somethign that I couldn't quite remember, though it smelled like an omelette. There was the fragile feel that the air almost always carried these days. To me, if felt like the hourglass had turned and I was going to drown in the sand if someone didn't shatter the glass walls that were my mind.

"Here you go!" Matt had been oddly happy today, but I didn't linger on it.

"Thank you, Matt." I gave him a careful smile and he grinned back at me happily, plopping down on the couch beside me.

"Hey, Mello?" Matt's voice caught my attention.

It wasn't his word, but his tone that caught me.

I turned towards him and found his shielded eyes focused in my direction.

"I think I'm ready."

~  
_Hallelujah,_  
_Hallelujah,_  
_Hallelujah,_  
_Hallelujah._

I don't know what I had expected, but in ways, kissing and touching Matt was easier and more awkward than what I'd thought.

Matt's mouth was warm and quickly heating; he was willing and inexperienced. I enjoyed his innocent mistakes too much, and I knew why.

I felt like Matt was mine, it felt good to know that I was the only one to do this to him. It felt too good, it was intoxicating to know that I could do anything to the redhead and he's assume it was normal.

Pushing the power trip aside, I took the time to admire Matt.

Both out shirts were off, and I was teasing Matt's jeans down his hips. The gamer's porcelain skin was flushed pink in places and he was panting. Every once in a while he let out a small breathy noise which only served to encourage me.

The moments passed fast at times, and slow at others. My world that night consisted of Matt, and my only goal was to fulfill the redhead's every wish.

In other words, I felt ashamed of what needed to happen in three days.

~  
_Well there was a time when you let me know,_  
_What's really going on below,_  
_But now you never show that to me, do ya'?_

"Mello?" Matt breathed, pulling away from the kiss I'd tried to steal from him.

"Yes, Matt?" I kept the redhead in my arms.

He stared at me, his goggles were around his neck so I had a clear view of his eyes.

"Nevermind." he leaned up to press a kiss to my lips.

Matt was embracing this change rather well, but he knew something was up.

I figured that he thought it was something leading up to his birthday. But it wasn't.

Matt wouldn't make it that far. There were only two days left for us.

I was determined to keep the gamer as happy as possible while still keeping him in the dark about my future actions. It wasn't an easy task.

For the first time, probably ever, I was truly realizing what Matt was; a genius. And that made keeping him oblivious hard.

But Matt had been consumed by suppressed teenage hormones these last few days, so when he caught on to something, it wasn't too hard to distract him. A heated kiss, or sly caress was often enough, other times though, it took more.

This was one of those times; and I noticed that they were happening more often as the hours passed by.

~  
_But remember when I moved in you,_  
_And the holy dove was moving too,_  
_And every breath we drew was hallelujah._

A soft sigh parted from Matt's lips as he rested his head in my lap, playing his video games.

"The song is on again." I rolled my eyes, Matt seemed to hate the song of Hallelujah.

Which was inconvenient since I wasn't going to stop listening to it.

"Deal with it." I snorted, and continued to play with a strand of red hair.

"Wow, maybe your spoiling streak will end now."

I frowned at the back of his head.

That wasn't a part of the plan; Matt was supposed to be happy.

"Relax, Mello, I don't mind." I let out another snort to cover my shock at being read so easily.

"What males you think I'd care?" I spoke with an attitude, but I really was curious.

"You pulled my hair." Matt shrugged.

I frowned a little more, but leaned down to touch my lips to his anyway.

Self-control was vital. And I was losing it.

~  
_Hallelujah,_  
_Hallelujah,_  
_Hallelujah,_  
_Hallelujah._

I got the feeling that I was being watched.

And I knew who was doing the watching. I didn't like it, he might see something that would make him suspicious. I might make a mistake _because_ he was watching me.

I needed to distract him.

"Hey, turn around." I straightened up on the couch, dislodging Matt's head from it's resting place on my thigh.

Te redhead did as he was told, and I spread my leather clad legs so that he was on the floor in between them.

"You said that you've given oral before. Care to show me what you learned?" At my words, Matt's entire aura changed to anxiousness.

This wasn't about Matt's happiness anymore.

It was about control. About being able to control Matt. Make him nervous, happy, sad and breathless all on command.

This was what it was about now. And with our last day over, it would have to do.

~  
_Maybe there's a god above,_  
_But all I've ever learned from love,_  
_Was how to shoot somebody who out drew ya'._

My back was aching from being leaned over the laptop for so long. It was about four-thirty in the morning and I had yet to sleep.

"What are you doing?" I had insisted that Matt stay awake too, although now I was beginning to regret that decision.

"Working." I grunted, my eyes never leaving the screen.

I was carefully planning out an "escape" route for Matt to follow. At this point, it didn't matter if Matt found out. In fact, it would be beneficial if the redhead pried further on it.

And he did.

"What kind of work requires Google Maps?" Matt raised a brow at me, and I wondered how he could be so energetic at this hour.

Then I saw the sheer volume of energy drink cans.

"One where I'm planning for you to drive."

"When?" Matt's tone held the same frown that was on his face.

"Later today." I printed off the map with the instructions for the gamer to follow.

"So this is what you've been hiding from me." Matt relaxed.

"I just decided earlier this morning." I shrugged, playing it cool.

Matt turned away from me, taking the instructions with him.

As he left, I heard him mutter a small "liar" under his breath.

I wondered if he knew just how right he was. He probably did.

~  
_And it's not a cry that you hear at night,_  
_It's not somebody who's seen the light,_  
_It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah._

It was terrifying, unimaginable, unthinkable, unbelievable.

It left me cold, and it left me scared.

It left me open and empty, broken and terrified.

I stared at the small television with a grotesque dread.

On the screen was the image of Matt's red Camaro riddled with bullet holes and stained with blood.

My world came crashing down with such a fierceness that I could almost feel is crushing me with the fall.

The realization made me sick. I had just sent my best friend off to die. I just killed him. The only person who ever really cared about me.

My ally, my classmate, my lover, my friend. I hadn't realized until now, but Matt was my whole world. He made up my past, my present and now my future had died with him.

Maybe I was the one who couldn't live without him.

Love truly was just a cold and broken hallelujah.

A broken hallelujah.

~  
_Hallelujah._  
~


End file.
